saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
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MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
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