i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
