And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
