My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
