i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
