Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize