My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Randomize
