Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Oh god it's open bar.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
