What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
