My Higher Power is John Stamos
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
