I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
