Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Randomize
