at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
