So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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