There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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