This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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