I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Randomize
