I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
