It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Randomize
