I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
