I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
