the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
