Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
