i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
