Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
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