After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
