My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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