I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
