Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
