i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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