i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
