Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
