I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
What happened to fro yo and sex?
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
