Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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