We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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