Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
you inspire me to be a worse person
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Randomize
