I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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