Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
