I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
