I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
