ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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