im about as happy as oj after his trial
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
