I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
