I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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