Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Randomize
