fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
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