I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
