people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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