____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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