I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
