There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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