My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
