So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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