I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
