I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
