went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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