I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
