Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
