I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I'm like, not good at living.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
