Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Randomize
